Dies to Removal

Posted: **Sun Sep 15, 2013 3:49 am**

Hi! I'm not sure if anyone here will even know me - I'm mostly Fires of Salvation guy which is why I've never shown up in these threads. It sucks that my first time is when I actually need some help.

I'm amateurish game designer and scenario-writer. Currently working on Kickstarter project of adventure game set in 70's. Dark 70's like Taxi Driver, not crazy 70's. And the whole presentation starts with narration of protagonist - old private investigator. English is not my native language, and while I can handle it in the most natural forms (dialogues), I'm terrible at writing "artificial" text like forum posts or monologues that long. That's why I'm looking for a bit of help from someone who knows english language well (being native would be super-cool) for a little bit of help. Not sure how I could even show my gratitude for that kind of help... but I'll do my best to deliver.

Here'
s a text.

WHEN THE DUST BROKE

The name is Hackneye. Philip Hackneye, private investigator. This long and annoying title means that I try to dig the truth out of shit and get paid for it. Usually both truth and my payment are the same kind of shit as the shit I'm digging in. But after so many years, I got used to it. Everyone would. I'm an ex-cop actually. Some time ago worked here, in Neon City. Want to hear about my pathetic downfall? How I got stuck in 4x3 room full of piles of meaningless papers marking cases even a trained chimpanzee could solve? I'm gonna warn you it ain't a fairy tale - so better grab a bottle of something to not get dry. Man's not a camel, he needs to drink, right?

Everything about this case seemed pretty simple. Everything except of the suspect – William Hayden, rich businessman with ambitions high enough to get himself involved in politics. He was running for the position of Neon City’s Mayor. In act of anger, he brutally murdered a hooker with his own
bare hands. At the time I believed the case is gonna be easy. Obviously it wasn’t. Lost evidences, witnesses who suddenly refused to talk. Justice has dead hooker's eyes and in this case, someone put the coins on them already. Final hearing was a bad-taste farce. Even parents of the victim, partially shocked by fact that their daughter was a hooker and most probably paid by Hayden backed all the charges. I felt disappointed. Disgusted?

Maybe. I started to wash off that feeling with cheap liquors.

Then that night happened. All I know about it was that I was heavily drunk. And met Hayden during ceremony of election of new Mayor. Yes, this bastard. And then, drunk as hell, I started to shout "Murderer" after him. I was quickly dispatched by Hayden's bodyguards. I remember that the thing which woke me up was the beating. They broke my nose and hand, and left me in the lurch.

All I remember from that was the pain and rain drops blurring everything.

Soon I faced the consequences. I got
fired. Sharon left me. Didn't mentioned her. My then-wife, currently ex-wife. And hell... the only thing I know how to do is looking for answers. There aren't many people here who know the price of that better than me. I became private investigator. The old coat and a gun is all what was left after good, old Philip.

MURDER OF CROWS

Everything started with local journalist finding Johnny Santo. Everyone knew Johnny. He was the big fish in filthy aquarium called drugs market. Lord of the underground who never thought twice about getting his hands dirty. He was lying in one of those dark backalleys. Neon City is full of them - those are obviously not the safest places in the world, it's more likely to get stabbed with the knife than patted on your shoulder there...

But hell, what a mess. There's difference between dying and dying like that - same as getting hit with bouquet of roses and a truck. He got beaten up. Heavily. There are trails of heavy boots on his whole body and face, or that Eschers painting that was his face yesterday. And then... someone gauged out his eyes with crowbar. Gauged is a bad word - more like smashed them, like rotten tomatoes. "Always look at the bright side of life" I whistled under nose, one of the cops crossed oneself when heard that. You have real greenhorns these days under yourself, I've seen him puking like a cat on Titanic's board later. But going back to crime scene, there was also message on the wall.Written with Santo's blood:

“When your heart grows dark, Crows will take your sight.”

The first thought I had was a case of bad poetry which is pretty common among the local lowlifes, especially Negros. Ritual murder was not something uncommon for drug mafias – they always liked flashy kills that make sure everyone understand what they meant. “Don’t mess with us” – said the empty eye sockets, at least to me and probably to most of Neon City cops. The journalist who found the corpses claimed this is going to be beginning of the series. He was
right, actually. After few days another victim was found… but that’s another, much longer story…

Also, feel free to comment the text. I'm slowly getting into whole "writing in english" thing. So share your criticism!

Posted: **Sun Sep 15, 2013 4:12 am**

I was thinking about replacing: "Someone said that Themis has dead eyes, and in this case someone already put the obols under her eyelids." with "Someone said that Justice has dead hooker's eyes, and someone already put a coins under her eyelids."

Posted: **Sun Sep 15, 2013 5:35 am**

Yarpus, I actually have experience as a professional proofreader. When I have some time soon, I'll take a look at this and PM you.

Posted: **Sun Sep 15, 2013 6:48 am**

I actually have experience as a professional proofreader.

Thats a thing?

Posted: **Sun Sep 15, 2013 11:03 am**

Yarpus, I actually have experience as a professional proofreader. When I have some time soon, I'll take a look at this and PM you.

My anus is yours.

Posted: **Wed Sep 18, 2013 10:33 am**

I've extended text a bit.

Posted: **Wed Sep 18, 2013 1:11 pm**

Excellent. I'll make some time to look this over sometime today and send you a PM with recommendations.

Edit: I got overwhelmed with stuff yesterday. I definitely have some ideas for this. I'll type them up and send them on to you.

Posted: **Mon Sep 30, 2013 1:06 am**

I actually have experience as a professional proofreader.

Thats a thing?

It's usually called editing. But yeah, totally a thing. I do it for a living.

Posted: **Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:07 am**

So that's why you call telling Cedric Phillips "No, no, no, start over, no, we'd go out of business if we published this, wtf, no"

Posted: **Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:44 am**

"You've really got to find your shift key."

Posted: **Mon Sep 30, 2013 6:30 am**

Had a teacher in highschool that would use capslock instead of the shift key.

Dead fucking serious, I pointed this out to him and he still did so.

Posted: **Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:34 am**

HAYDEN: Hi... Philip, is it? Do they treat you well?
GREEN: Mr. Hayden, ple-
HACKNEYE: Just great. You should try it out in here as well, Hayden.
HAYDEN: As I see joke's still on you Hackneye. Good. But I wouldn't reccomend being too cocky and witty now. I'm the only person who can get you out of this shit. Current situation... makes me consider it. Of course only if you can co-operate.
GREEN: We need you, Philip.
HACKNEYE: Sure you do. Obviously you wouldn't sent me behind the bars if you didn't.
HAYDEN: See? Told you this will never work out.
GREEN: Mr. Hayden - could you please give us a minute or two of (personal talk) with Philip?
HAYDEN: So, you think showing myself in front of him works just like salt rubbed into old wounds? Okay, Green. Just don't fuck around slinging some low jokes about dropped soap and Negros. I could use a smoke. You have 3 minutes.
HAYDEN: This morrow air doesn't serve to me as
well as it does to Mr. Hackneye. Just remember Green, you're still on duty.
GREEN: Yes, sir.
(Hayden leaves)
HACKNEYE: What the actual fuck was that, Green.
GREEN: As I mentioned, we need you Philip. The whole city's in deep shit.
HACKNEYE: Murder of Crows?
GREEN: You're still reading newspapers.
HACKNEYE: Mostly using them in their intended way, as bumf - but you know me, catchy titles and dead people tend to get a little bit of my attention.
HACKNEYE: Serial killer, lots of mess. No logic connections between victims - except of fact, that I'd never attend their burrial... unless I'd be the one pissing on their graves. Motherfuckers.
HACKNEYE: Still, why you're here?
GREEN: You're the best. We both know that.
HACKNEYE: Not good enough as you can see. I'm in the jail while that fucker Hayden gets all the fun.
GREEN: Forget about the past. Bite the tongue. Please. You can get out of it free.
HACKNEYE: Freedom... you know it's not just about not being behind the bars. Eating from a hand
that you'd bite is not the exact definition of freedom in my vocabulary. Golden cag-
GREEN: - golden, still better than rusty bars, shit instead of food, one ciggarete per week and meeting people you've locked in here everyday.
HACKNEYE: That's funny, y'know? Remember Morty? Rapist. He's two <rooms> away from here. Now he turned to god. Keeps talking about both him and love. He's really into love - I can't sleep as fucker jerks off for half of the night.
GREEN: Philip, just say yes for fuck's sake. I know it's not like it should be bu-
(Hayden is back)
HAYDEN: What's up princess? You're done with the whole 'high on the horse' act? Lieutenant Green tantalized you with the visions of cheap hookers and booze which you liked so much back in the days? I know, you're not that chea-
HACKNEYE: Deal.
HAYDEN: People loose their minds over hookers these da-
HACKNEYE: Shut up. I agreed. You got what you want.
(Hayden gets closer)
HAYDEN: I always do. Remember that I am the one who sets the
rules. And you are barking on the wrong tree, son.
(leaves)
GREEN: I'll take care of everything. You'll get a special pass for one week and temporarly you'll be a cop again.
HACKNEYE: Week? What if I'll not-
GREEN: You'll have some good memories about having a break from this place... or longer, as Hayden thought about moving you to top security prison.
HACKNEYE: Neat. Thanks for the warning, Green. And as overall... thanks.
GREEN: I don't drop old friends. I was the one who proposed you as the man for the case. My greenhorns can barely catch their dicks and I wouldn't even ask them to secure a bucket of shit. Not to mention handling a real thing.
HACKNEYE: Nothing changed then.
GREEN: You'll find more informations about the case in jail. And Philip?
HACKNEYE: What?
GREEN: Glad to have you back, oldguy. I kinda' missed you.

Dies to Removal

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