don't quit school unless you have a better job lined up than sam's club
aspire for something
Magic and music might not make you happy forever. (There, I said it.) Or they might! Are they really what you want out of your life or are they just medicine for symptoms of something else?
I don't believe they're symptoms of something else. I want to do something that doesn't feel like a job. There's a saying that goes something like "
If your job is doing something you love, you'll never work a day in your life." That's what I
want.
If I wanted a "job," then I may as well continue to do what I'm doing now. Seriously. It'd be no better than being a cop, an architect, a whaler, a garbage man, etc. I've never once in my life wanted to actually do anything considered "normal." When I was a kid and somebody asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never knew. I assumed that I would figure it out when I got older. In high school, the answer was the same - I didn't fucking know. But, by then, I knew what my passions were: cards and music. I dropped out of high school because I was smarter than the curriculum that was being force fed down my throat. I told myself that I would figure out what I wanted to do after I experienced "the real world." After working, partying, and making the typical 20-something mistakes everyone makes, I found myself at the bottom of the barrel. Those were tough times.
-Aside-
These tough times were the result of of being young, dumb, and full of cum. I landed a
job doing route sales for Snyder's of Hanover (awesome pretzels, btw) where I was making about $1,500 a week. That's a lot of money when you're 26. Unfortunately, I was pretty stupid. I drove a souped up Dodge Dakota with a Mopar V8, complete with headers and a killer exhaust. It was probably about 2 inches of the ground with the most insane low profile tires and rims. I was also dealing a ton of coke and basically living "the Scarface" life.
Until it all caught up with me. Some shit happened, which would probably fill up a book, but the bottom line was this: in one week, I lost my job, my car, my girl, and my place to live. Since I was so stupid, I hadn't saved any money. I practically had one foot in the gutter, one foot in civilization. It was rough. The worst night ever was staying in a house with no power and trying to find enough change to buy 2 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's so I could feed myself and my 2 dogs. In fact, the only things I owned (besides my dogs) were a bag of
clothes, and my Legacy Red Deck. My rifle and guitar rig were, fortunately, at a buddy's house while all of this was going on.
-End Aside-
I landed a job at Sam's Club because at the time I would've worked anywhere. I just needed something,
anything, to allow me to feed my dogs and myself. My brother let me stay on his couch for awhile and he, his roommate, and I would play Magic. Conflux was about to come out and they were both just budg-cajs. They wanted to play with all the multi-color goodness SoA had to offer, but I would constantly destroy them with Mono Red Burn. We played a lot of multiplayer and, I found out, you'd be surprised at how well Legacy Burn works when you can take out 2 players with all the damage you can deal. It's from those games that I got hooked back into Magic and went full retard when Zendikar came out.
Anyways, I contacted some old buddies of mine and once I had enough money saved from working at Sam's, the three of us rented a 3 bedroom
house (of which, both guys still rent and one of them happens to be my drummer now, so yay - there's always a place to practice).
also, bachelor pad == two roommates
Ah, but hear me out. Now, I love alone in a one bedroom apartment. My shit is clean, organized, and, for lack of a better word,
nice. There actually hasn't been much crazy shit that's happened in this "
true" bachelor pad.
But this place....we affectionately refer to it as "The Defiant House." I've had some of the craziest night of my life there. Beer pong tournaments every other day. Parties so crazy that the cops were called, only to stay a hang for a bit because they couldn't believe I was blasting KISS's "I Stole Your Love" (They claimed that it was unreal that a person
my age would know an "obscure" KISS song.). The disgusting sex acts that occurred there were the stuff of legend. Random drunk chick walking by the house? Yep, me and my two roommates, plus my best friend, talked her into coming inside the house where we ran a train on her for a few hours. Thank Purphoros the video footage no longer exists.
You get the idea how crazy this house was.
Anyways, after a year or two of this kind of debauchery, I started to settle down a little bit. I got a girlfriend and something just called to me to start school. It was great for awhile.
But now, I dunno. I feel like I'm Rip Van Winkle waking up from years of slumber. What have I been doing for the last few years? Running in a hamster wheel? Do I need to go to school to work a "job?" I already have one of those. I have skills from Sam's Club that I could take anywhere with me. It's just....I feel like everything I have been doing for the last couple of years hasn't been me. Well, it has been me,
but it's like my "brain" was making the decisions and not my "heart." I want to do something in life that I feel with my heart AND my brain. And I don't think I'm gonna get there by going to school. I really don't. If I am ever going to get what I want, it's going to be the same way I've gotten everything else: by using what I know and busting my ass with everything I got to get things done.
I already know that the corporate life isn't for me. But, right now it pays my bills. I can play ball with that. School doesn't. And yet, I also know the academic life isn't for me either. It's the same as the corporate lifestyle. It's RESTRICTING. I want to be able to say "fuck." I want to be able to completely be myself. I'm sick of having to censor myself. It's bad enough that I have to do it at work, but come the fuck on, I can't write "Martin Luther waved a big fat fucking middle finger at the Catholic Church and pissed on the charred remains of its oppressive
hold on the masses" without being told that what I'm saying "isn't appropriate."
It's like, shit, why don't you give an artist a canvas and tell him to paint a fucking picture. But first, remove half the colors from his palette and tell him that certain shades of brown is unacceptable.
It's just getting to be too much. I can't work a 9 or 10 hour day doing what I'm doing and then try to read 30-40 pages in a textbook about how our government works. It works the same way as it does as Sam's Club: it has all these great ideas and lays out a "foolproof' foundation on how to run a country/business, yet all the people at the top got there by schmoozing and rubbing elbows with other influential people while lying to the masses and backstabbing anyone who got in their way. I know this because I'm guilty of doing the same fucking thing. And really when you look at it, all any country is these days is a glorified fucking corporation...
And now I need to write a paper on the
government. Oh, but wait, first let me censor myself and make it sound academic....
I'm ranting. Like, really ranting. I don't even know how I got to this point.
Kaze
Bro, I love you man, but I'm Khaos. Kaze is a mackerel.
Porn is not a glamorous as it seems and the guys get paid much less.
Yeah, but they get paid in
pussy!
Kaze could use
it too
Yes he could.
I started this whole thing with a point, but now I believe I'm utterly sidetracked.
This is a decision I'm going to be making very soon, (although my gut tells me I've already made it), but I feel really good about posting this. All of this. For one, it allows you guys to know me better. Not everyone knows a lot about my real history. This sorta turned into a "True Hollywood Story: Khaos Edition" for a minute, but you guys also know now the reasons why I started school and why it's starting to wear down on me. If any of this can apply to anyone, then I hope it helps. If any of this sours your opinion of me, then fuck you (but I still love you). Part of trying to better myself is learning how to be honest with myself, because I lied to myself for so long about things. It's the worst kind of deception. If you can't be honest with yourself, then who can you be honest with? But part of learning how to do this is to not only open up and own up to your
mistakes, but to also share those mistakes with other people. It's the most naked you'll ever feel while keeping your clothes on. It's certainly not easy to do, but, whatever you guys think about me after I hit "Submit" on this post, I know I'll sleep better at night for having the balls to share this. And that's not anything you'll ever learn at school, at your job, or from Google. That's something you
earn from life experience.
